I had an extremely hard weekend. 

The deployment packing has begun and it's really starting to sink in that Joe is leaving.  I will be a 'single mom' in just a couple of weeks.  As much as I have been preparing for this trip and mentally prepared myself it's still hard now that the time is here.  As I have said before, this trip will be the longest one he has been on and I am having hard time wrapping my head around it.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around that he wont be here to go to the pumpkin patch with us, he wont be here for dinner each night, he wont be here to put Christmas lights on our house or set up the Christmas tree.  He wont be here day in and day out and even with my family willing and able to help out I still feel alone.  I have cried everyday the past 4 days.  I have not (yet) cried in front of my girls or Joe so its just an agonizing time alone with me, my thoughts and my tears.  Repeat: Me, my thoughts and my tears.  I have always been one to hold my emotions in and not talk about them.  The reason being when I do start talking about them the waterfall starts. No one can understand a blubbering idiot who is doing the ugly face cry and trying to explain to them why I feel sad.  So, instead I work through it alone.  I write.  I have always written out my feelings.  I need to learn to cry in front of people but I dont want to be looked at as weak.  I don't want to be a burden on people.  My mom is normally one of the only people on the recieving end of the blubbering phone calls and she always says the right thing at the right time. 

Joe and I have different ways of preparing for his trip. His way of preparing = he doesn't want to talk about it or think about it.  He just wants to go treat everyday the same.  My way of preparing = wanting the extra hugs, cuddles, I love you's.  I want to take pictures, spend extra family time and continue to talk to the girls and prepare them.  I want to hear that its okay to be sad and scared and that everything will be okay.  I want to be able to cry in front of him and not have to hide it from him because he wants me to be strong and I want to be strong for him.The difference between Joe and I when it comes to emotional stuff is extreme. 

As Emma sits next to me playing with her baby dolls she is singing 'This is the Day' and again, I am tearing up.  As much as that song is a kid tune and I have heard it countless times through out my life, the words are still true.  This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.  I will not be getting through this trip without Him and I need to rely on Him to get me through and rejoice in it. 


Stick with me!  It may be a bumpy couple of weeks.....







Enjoy your family~